Source: Jews sans frontières

The Security Council,

Recalling that Israel reiterated its commitment to not build gas chambers and not burn Palestinians in ovens

Recalling that Israel is a country governed by white people elected with lots of money, has a stock exchange and a healthy derivatives market, and has a really nice beach

Calculating that the replacement cost of a Palestinian is about 1:35 compared to the replacement cost of an Israeli in Purchasing Power Parity

Emphasizing that Israelis have many rich American friends

Noting that Hamas has the guttural sound H in its name that we find hard to pronounce

Expressing that Palestinians demands for self-determination are annoying

Mindful of the fact that civilians have been killed by Israel, but not enough to spoil our appetite

Taking into consideration that Israel has killed at least some adult men with beards

Warning against other peoples democratically electing the wrong people

Calls upon Israel to finish killing Palestinians at its earliest convenience, at least for a while

Insists that no more that 80 civilians should be killed each day, except on Thursdays

Calls upon all member states to help prevent Hamas from pronouncing its name on TV between 8AM and 10PM

Calls upon all member states to help seal the Gaza strip in shrink wrap material to prevent the illegal acquisition of slingshots by Palestinians

Invites ideas for disposing of the shrink wrapped Gaza strip in an environmentally responsible way